I know it's not common to write here in english...but there's an english mess in my head...words...phrases...and all about the same...
sometimes I wonder if I really need this...if I need to go through it...will it come to any sensible point?
the answer frightens me...and I want to escape from it...
I love him...he said he loves me too...but where is his love? it got lost between the lines that had been written...so many lines...so many sentences...about love...about us being together...lines that make you happy when you read and that couse sorrow and pain when you think them over later...
he...he is the one I need...he is the one I want...I want my son to have his eyes...it will never happen...the worst is that I realize it...I do realize but i can't get over him...
I love him...and I hate him...I hate how he disappears for days...or weeks...I hate when he says he misses me...I hate how he cuts me over and over again...I hate how weak he makes me...I hate that i depend on him...I hate that I BELONG TO HIM!!
I can't concentrate on anything...he is everywhere...in my head,in the air I breath,in my eyes,in my heart,in my room...in my pc...in my earphones...on my desktop!!!
uh...one day!! I know one day I'll be strong enough.....

@темы: Грустное, Личное, Любовь, Мысли вслух, Настроение, Чувства, Я, Отношения

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One day,when the warm sun beams were burning my body,I saw you.It seemed that happiness and love,strayed from the long way,found a shelter in my heart...I was trembling with all of my essence.There was no one and nothing around me,the sun disappeared,the people vanished...I felt myself in your heart,wanted to get lost in one of the deepest corners of it where no one could find and take me out...
I aproached,wanted to say something...my lips started to move but not because of the uttering words...My lips were moving with yours...
I couldn't manage to breathe,I was losing my respiration but it meant nothing to me...I was ready to give my last breath in your arms,to assimilate my soul to yours and leave my breathless body forever in your arms...
I loved...or...I WAS loving...
But I felt quilty...what for? For loving,for being engaged in this madness with you!
Yes,I was quilty...but you were not innocent either...
For a while my senses seemed to return.I freed myself from your embrace,stood two steps far from you...two steps...WHOLE TWO STEPS...
My heart was modulating unevenly,my eyes were filled with liquid which was falling down my cheeks drop by drop...
I was longing for and meanwhile I was afraid...I was longing for you and I was afraid of you...
Both of us were burning from desire,realizing that would be lead to hell because of that...
Yes...were realizing...were realizing untill the senses left us again...
The next moment again kiss-full of love,of passion...
A moment of love...a moment and a whole life...A life beside you,in your arms,living with your breath...
I couldn not even believe that it was real and I'd better not to believe since there was no next kiss,you were no more there neither was your breath...there was no soul assimilated to yours...
Only darkness--fearful,miserable...
Loneliness--sad,painful...
There was only one thing real in all these--the liquid in my eyes which was falling down my cheeks drop by drop...already in my opened eyes...opened after a whole life...
YES,it was a dream--unreal,desired...
It was a dream...You were a dream...
WE were a dream...

@музыка: A Fine Frenzy-Almost Lover

@темы: Личное, Любовь, Чувства, Я

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I threw a glance into the sky...I don't know why.Maybe I looked for the God for everyone says that's where he lives.Or maybe I wanted to find you for everybody knows that one can make different images by means of the clouds...But I found nothing...I saw only the pale sky and the sun shining fainly from behind the clouds...I closed my eyes and tried to recall your face...In front of my eyes the clouds still retained,and your face was seen just like the sun-from behind the clouds in the distance...It was distant but so familiar...I even feared to open my eyes as I knew I would immediately lose you...
All of a sudden a gasp of wind touched my face...I thought it were you...The touch was so pleasent,so sweet,but...It seemed the wind was doing that on purpose as if realizing that was giving me a painful pleasure...Though it hurt but I didn't want to lose that moment,I desired to stop the time...and stay there with you and with the wind...That's what I did,but suddenly the wind left...I longered my arm to hold it but I didn't open my eyes...Why didn't you let me keep the wind,why didn't you let me open my eyes??I feared to lose you but I lost the wind...
I felt that it was high-time to open my eyes as your image was already sinking in my tears..Tears which were mine,as was the wind!
I had already opened my eyes ...you were no more there,but the wind came bringing with it some whisper...That whisper was like your voice-so quiet,so soft....
The tears were continuely running...The wind was playing with my hair,whispering something on my ear...
I wondered what was going on as it was not an ordinary wind...You were not in front of my eyes but you were everywhere...I felt your presence...My body was trembling with the touch of the wind...
I looked around...all was still,the leaves were motionless,but around me there was a wind which was gradually developing into a storm...
For a moment I wanted to run away from all these...Maybe I feared of being engaged with that madness....but I couldn't move...I stayed there...with the wind...with my tears and you....weak,powerless...

@темы: Воспоминания, Грустное, Любовь, Рассказ, Чувства